How are you?

Ive gotten that a lot lately, and although i know they mean well and are making sure that Im okay because after all- miscarrying is difficult, miscarrying while your husband is deployed is even harder, 99% of the time- Im telling them a lie.  "Oh Im fine" comes out of my mouth all the time...but I dont quite believe it.

One of my "guilty pleasure" shows that I love watching is Guilianna and Bill, they always crack me up.  This season though, is them dealing with a miscarriage.  Although it makes me really sad to watch it, at the same time, it also helps.  This weeks episode actually really helped me and Im so glad I tuned in (it airs at 11pm, way past my bed time!)...

I had been feeling pretty alone.  Kale is all about moving on, looking into the future, not dwelling on what happened but rather looking forward to another pregnancy, another chance to be parents.  He is so motivated toward the future, I feel left in the dust...Im still stuck.  Im stuck in the past, its been 5 weeks since the miscarriage but it feels like 5 minutes.  It still hurts just as bad as it did that day- not physically but emotionally.  im not crying at a drop of a hat anymore but I think thats a mixture of my hormone levels being back to under control and the fact that I just hide it and save it for later.

I am always a happy person, I dont know if I had been raised that way or if I taught it to myself but either way- I am always happy, at least on the outside...I dont like when people are upset for me, it makes me feel bad because someone, somewhere, has it worse then I do.  So, i fake it, a lot...I catch myself staring off every once and a while and hope that no one noticed but me but for the most part- I have a smile on my face and am just chit chatting like nothing ever happened...Heck, I even made a facebook status of how nice of a time I had in Vegas with my Dad- was that true? Kind of- I enjoyed Vegas with him very much, until I started miscarrying then it turned it into a total nightmare of a trip but I knew that my Dad felt bad enough that me publicly acknowledging how nice it was for him to take him would make him feel less guilty...Its just how I am, I would rather other people be happy and feel okay even if its at the expense of how I feel.  I dont want people to feel uncomfortable around me because Im being a giant downer, I'd rather just be a giant downer in my head and a happy person to the world...

Anyway, I got kind of off track there but back to the show...Bill was doing the same thing that Kale was- focusing on the future...while G was just like me- focusing on what went wrong, what could she have done, why did this happen to them...It was exactly Kale and I, it made me feel not so alone...Guys just deal with things different and its hard to accept that...Its funny how silly reality TV shows can truly change your outlook on situations.  I dont feel as much as a crazy person for not healing as quick as Kale is, its different for everyone and as much as I would like to be looking to the future right not, Im just not ready to embrace it yet.

I really look forward to the day where I can either answer truthfully to the infamous question "How are you" -"Im crappy, I hate what Im going through, its just not fair and I dont understand it" or even more that my "go to" answer of "Im fine" really is the truth...

I know it will happen one day, but until then I need to just keep working on being able to open up more about my true feelings.